I spent the first 23 years of my life wanting to die. And
here is what I discovered:
The urge to die is the urge to live in disguise.
The urge to die is the urge to disappear as a separate self,
to vanish into the vastness of Being, to rest deeply, as we have never rested
before. It is the wave longing to return to the ocean... forgetting that it was
never divided from the ocean in the first place. An innocent mistake, easily
corrected with a little investigation.
The urge to die is not negative, sick, dark or sinful, but
it is deeply, deeply misunderstood, that's for sure! We ignore the urge, push
it away, hide it, medicate it, keep it a secret, try to numb ourselves to it or
even philosophize it away. But when acknowledged, honoured, listened to, even
the suicidal urge, the urge to shed our false skin, contains infinite
intelligence. All feelings do!
For secretly, the urge to die is the urge to awaken, to come
alive, to stop identifying as a separate body-mind, to remember our original
nature, vast and free! It is the urge to shed the false 'me' (ego, self,
person) to stop pretending to be something we are not, to let go of all that is
second-hand and inauthentic, and to live, to really live, fearless and free, as
consciousness itself, full of life and potential and cosmic creativity!
The urge to die is not our enemy - it is not to be
annihilated and not to be feared. It contains a profound message of awakening
and change. It says, shouts, screams, "You are not limited to what you
think you are! You are a child of the Universe, remember, deserving of all its
riches! Only the false can die, and you cannot be false!" Can we hear its
call? Can we listen, really listen?
The wave cannot return to the ocean, cannot get Home. It was
never divided from its Home in the first place! You are already Oceanic,
friend, and the true suicide is not the stopping of the body-mind but the
remembrance of your original and unblemished nature, here and now, beyond the
ravages of time!
LIVE! LIVE! LIVE! NOTHING TO LOSE!
~ Jeff Foster ~
